the road to change leads through grace

Posts tagged ‘recovery’

The Cost

I don’t like to write, I’d rather type. But I want to write to feel the pain on my fingertips.

A lost diamond ring is of little cost compared to the day when little boys stopped asking for their mommy because it costs them too much pain to have her come and leave again.

The sadness of sweet memories that could have been made is the heavy cost you made when you chose evil over love.

A sister, a brother- concerns turn to fear and then disgust, waiting to love you again.

Sobbing out of control, when a father holds a picture of his little girl, hands folded in prayer. A promise of a future of laughter not tears.

A large cost has been made. The little girl has stolen the happiness, peace and sweet memories away.

A mother knowing, giving her life would be a small cost to bring her little girl back, right now- Today.

Mom 12-11

The habit

The habit keeps.

It’s a shadow in its deliberate follow, a clock in its relentless crawl. The seed of every habit is a well worn need whose birth is an amendment written in a long ago language but whose bill is clear as day.

The habit can be a mean and unforgiving place. It can weigh and it can crush. It can be a thief of hope and a murderer of faith. It can scavenge the best laid plans of a life and dress them in all the colors of Dante.

The equal opportunistic ways of its clutch allow for no safe havens. It doesn’t matter if you come from an amazing family, and it doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of making one with the love of your life. It doesn’t matter if you’re Joe from Joliet or Josh Hamilton from the California Angels. The habit will take your youth, it will take your looks, and if you let it stick around long enough, it will get busy taking everything else.

So the thing becomes to change the habit you depend on. And I realize I am simplifying the math here. Forward your complaints to brevity. But really, you probably already know what I’m talking about, because it’s probably where you go every time you come back from the depths of that habit’s call.

All I’m saying is that changing up the habit is a very real thing. It happens, every day. The unfortunate of sad and tragic tales has a flip side that is really beautiful. There are millions of stories out there right now, finding that same kind of wonderful, and living out better endings whose underpinnings were ankle deep in land mines once upon a time.

Building a better habit is all about patience and humility. It’s about reversing the momentary collapse created by a ravenous impulse in favor of a payoff that has years and decades worth of better days.

It’s a chance.


The Big Picture

Each one of us has a story which is unique to our struggles with addiction. Whether you are battling addiction to drugs or to alcohol, each one of us is different. We all look to our drug of choice as a way out; a way to solve our problems. A way to take away the pain we feel in our daily lives.

My story begins when I was sixteen. I lost my twin brother on our sixteenth birthday when he choked to death. For the next four years, I lost someone close to me in December- accidents, cancer, heart attacks. The losses built up inside me. For years after that, I lived with abusive men. I locked all that sadness inside, until I began turning to alcohol. As time went on, I drank more and more to help dull whatever pain I was feeling. With all my drinking, I had no desire to take care of myself, go to work, take care of my teenage kids or even care to sit with my husband, who was a hard liquor drinker with anger issues. I felt like things were never going to get better. I felt lost, with no one there for me to reach out to. I ended up getting two DUI’s. Then one day, my son came home from school to find me half dressed, laying on the living room floor with an empty wine bottle in my hand. He carried me to my room, tucking me into bed as he cried. He told me he didn’t want me to die, he asked me if I thought my kids were worth fighting for. I was looking at a hearing for my drunk driving. Over the next few months, I went from being charged to being sentenced to house arrest to probation.

I finally decided that I needed help, and I decided to go to the Retreat. I needed help as I fought for my life, as well as the family I was losing. Retreat taught me about alcoholism and the disease, and that I needed to make a decision to fight it and lead a sober life. During the time I spent there, I met with my family and I learned how badly I had hurt them through all the lies and deceit. I had broken their trust. Then came the time I had to decide where I was going once I was done at rehab. That’s when they told me about Grace House.

Grace House has been amazing! The women are there for you when you need someone to talk to or lean on. Yes, there are confrontations, but I have learned that comes with everything in life and you just have to learn how to overcome those obstacles and judgments. We all have a past. I have made some awesome friendships with the women at Grace house. Each has touched my heart and soul in different ways. The owners are wonderful people who open their hearts and their arms, and who understand everyone’s circumstances. They gave me the opportunity to grow and become the strong, sober woman I am today.

Remember, we all have to look at “The Big Picture”. Each one of us has our own to look forward to. Each one of us must strive to reach it, in order to better our lives and fight our addiction. Addiction is a scary disease, but always hand your will over to God and look at “The Big Picture” he has in store for you and your future. Find a sponsor, work your steps, live day by day, moment for moment and remember we always have TODAY! I have reached the point where I am ready to move on in my life journey. God is using me to help others as he sees fit. I am thankful for the man in my life, the friends I have made. I am grateful and appreciative of Gerri and Phil of The Grace House, for being a part of my journey and my success in recovery as I fight the disease of addiction. I love you Gerri. You are an angel and an inspiration.

Remember: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

God Bless,